It was the fall of 2004, don not picture it with red leaves falling everywhere because it was in Monterrey, Mexico, where fall is a continuation of spring, but rainy and cold. I fell in love with a man, who was and still is, caring and loving, smart and hard worker, handsome and strong. It was internet love, what many people believe can not be trusted, but guess what, in the gay community it is very popular and it has also spread to the heterosexual community all over the glove. International love has grown faster than the global love for LV bags, which took decades. He asked me to come live with him to Toronto, Canada, and after thinking it over a thousand times I said yes. Ups and downs came; happiness was there at times, just like any other relationship. We were getting to know each other on the road, it was good, and seemed to fit perfect for the kind of people we are. We liked to walk to path, happiness is about the journey and all that stuff. I was looking for stability, my then partner was not. He never got tired of new experiences and drew me into it, at the beginning it was perfect, new stuff of all kinds, until he tried to experience things that would not make me proud. He used drugs to get me in the mood and get away with his thing. That created hate but I still loved him and I thought he had a problem with drugs, I was the one with problem of not letting go what was not good for me. Beating, cheating, crying, a self destructing relationship was born and I was caught in the tide. When absolutely nothing went well, and I was formally asked to get out of his life for the third time, I left.
And I left destroyed, I left sad, miserable, and with very few intentions to keep going on. My magic castle had fallen off the spell and so reality hit me. I looked for shelter in my friend Sandra, who was going through a break up process, and she thought I was going through the same, she helped a lot and so did my friend Rolando, an eternal lover. That was my support team. And they did great, I got to see through them that I had been there and done that and that where I stood had been something bigger than words can describe. It did not work for me.
I was going to see my family and my sister was going for her divorce, because the guy she married was unable to ‘make her happy’ her way.
I refused to believe I was living a soap opera, but I was indeed. I was alone, nobody would take the gay break-up talk, it is a myth, gay man cannot fall in love the way men and women do. If they break-up, they get on their fit the next day because the fantasy is over and that’s it. They do not have to go through the legal process and split property, or children or friends. They do not have to break a public commitment celebrated at church and with legal validation in front of hundreds of well dressed people. You gay man, broke up? Big deal!
We had life together, dreams, goals and many things more. My parents could not believe I was sad! Com’on you are dudes! You have a new job, you have your favourite pet, yes kept the others and gave them up to some body else, big deal! You left home with three bags full with clothes and no more, of course you got more than what you earned and spent! I tried to be discrete but next time I will flaunt it!
My spirit is not broken, my heart is, it will heal, soon or not so soon, but It will. My heart is now covered with this black shield called bitterness, like Spiderman and all those feelings will be kept inside. Had it been public and different, had I had the chance I would have not traded it for nothing. At least people would understand that gay love, please call it love, could as well hurt, a lot.
And I left destroyed, I left sad, miserable, and with very few intentions to keep going on. My magic castle had fallen off the spell and so reality hit me. I looked for shelter in my friend Sandra, who was going through a break up process, and she thought I was going through the same, she helped a lot and so did my friend Rolando, an eternal lover. That was my support team. And they did great, I got to see through them that I had been there and done that and that where I stood had been something bigger than words can describe. It did not work for me.
I was going to see my family and my sister was going for her divorce, because the guy she married was unable to ‘make her happy’ her way.
I refused to believe I was living a soap opera, but I was indeed. I was alone, nobody would take the gay break-up talk, it is a myth, gay man cannot fall in love the way men and women do. If they break-up, they get on their fit the next day because the fantasy is over and that’s it. They do not have to go through the legal process and split property, or children or friends. They do not have to break a public commitment celebrated at church and with legal validation in front of hundreds of well dressed people. You gay man, broke up? Big deal!
We had life together, dreams, goals and many things more. My parents could not believe I was sad! Com’on you are dudes! You have a new job, you have your favourite pet, yes kept the others and gave them up to some body else, big deal! You left home with three bags full with clothes and no more, of course you got more than what you earned and spent! I tried to be discrete but next time I will flaunt it!
My spirit is not broken, my heart is, it will heal, soon or not so soon, but It will. My heart is now covered with this black shield called bitterness, like Spiderman and all those feelings will be kept inside. Had it been public and different, had I had the chance I would have not traded it for nothing. At least people would understand that gay love, please call it love, could as well hurt, a lot.
2 comments:
Interesting to know.
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